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freyas_spirit

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Cars. [Nov. 15th, 2011|12:52 pm]
freyas_spirit
Last night in my dream, I was going to fill up gas. I went to grab my car, then came back to grab something from home and ended up talking to Justin. After that, I set out and started driving. I turned onto an unfamiliar street and was confused so I kept going. I was on a smaller street without lights and eventually, I found a light and the end of the street and prepared to turn right. At that point, Someone driving a forklift in a bright orange construction vest gently rear ended my car. I got out to talk to him and he apologized again and again and told me that the city would write me a check. He told me we should get out of the way and go across the street where we wouldn't block so much traffic. I took a right turn and was looking for a place to make a u turn. The first light we couldn't and after that light, I recognized where I was. I was in Huntington Beach instead of La Jolla and I was very close to the beach. I kept going and ran into PCH and was going to make my u turn there. In the left turn lane, I approached carefully, not wanting to hit the car in front of me, but despite that, I still tapped her car gently. We agreed to make a u turn and talk there. There, we agreed I'd just write her a $200 check and not talk to insurance since the dent was bad. I ended up seeing Joe or John, or whatever the construction worker's name was about 100 yards ahead waiting annoyed. After I spent a long time talking to the lady, I got back in my car and looked for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
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Another dream [Oct. 24th, 2011|12:37 pm]
freyas_spirit
Last night, I was discussing names with my friend. Meanwhile, we were playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. I managed to glitch the game more and more until there was a 50 foot drop underwater and I managed to just go up and down the cliff without crashing. We were trying to complete a specific objective and I prodded the game in every possible way trying to complete it. Eventually, it got to the point where I noticed a rock and wanted to use the cannon in it, but my friend told me that was only possible in the Mario 64 version of the level. As time went on, the level glitched more and more until I was just skating on the flat bottom of the ocean as the land vanished.

Then my friend wanted me to film him sucba diving so I'm at the ocean. I have a camera set up on something that isn't a tripod, but is a circular stand. It's strange because the stand is made out of cheap plastic and the camera must be expensive. He has an instructor there too. He goes under and I try and film, but I lose him under the water when he goes down just a bit. After a couple times, I tell him it just isn't going to work. He decides to get out of the water and tries to film the instructor before he realizes I'm right. Then he invites me to dive with him and I agree. After a series of safety checks and putting on lifejackets (so that we float up head first), we decide to start. It's too dark and we have no light so we end up just swimming back and decided to go tomorrow. I say I can't go tomorrow because I have the GRE. Then I woke up.
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Ferris wheels! [Oct. 19th, 2011|08:49 am]
freyas_spirit
I'm at an amusement park, waiting to take pictures either alone or with family. Right after me, my little brother is supposed to get his picture taken. I show up a bit late and barely get to the picture in time. As I'm having my picture taken, many people show up trying to impersonate my little brother. I push and shove to get my brother to be the one to get his picture taken, but people simply don't believe me.

After pictures is a giant Ferris Wheel where my cousin Amy and I are determined to tell the truth. We wait for a long time because nobody is getting off, then a bunch of empty seats start coming. I tell her to just go and grab a seat. It has a roller coaster style cover that goes over your head and has a bar across your lap. Amy waits for a while being indecisive before at the last second deciding to come and doing a running jump to pull herself up and flip the bar over her head.

When we get to the top, I notice the people in front of us are just hanging off the safety restraints and that they're made out of what looks like cheap plastic. Since we're 100 feet off the ground, I'm scared to just hang by my hands and wrap my arms around it. A couple times around later, I see my sister going hand to hand, spinning herself in circles. I'm amazed that she manages to do this without falling. Then Amy tells me to relax and just to hang off by my hands because it's fun. I start thinking about it when she loses her grip and falls. I do an odd spiral to the ground, falling, but safely as if I'm connected to the center by a rubber bungie cord. I start running to her yelling and asking if she's ok. Then I woke up.




a few nights ago:
I come home to my apartment and walk into my room. I see boxes everywhere and it's a mess. One of the boxes is especially tall and looks to be refrigerator sized. I can't get to my bed when it's like that so I start to look around to see if I can find any clues as to why the room looks like this. I spot my roommate putting things into a box and asks him why. He explains that it's because he's allergic to the cat. I don't exchange any more words with him, but secretly, I'm rejoicing because now I can let the cat into the room without worrying about him coming home and being upset that the cat is in the room. The only thing I'm concerned with is how I'll pay rent. I currently split the master bedroom with him so if he decided to stop paying, I'd have to pay double. Just as I'm considering the best way to ask him or if it's best just not to ask, I wake up.
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The Beach [Oct. 8th, 2011|01:27 pm]
freyas_spirit
In my dream last night, it was about 5am and I was about ready to go to sleep. Then suddenly, on impulse, I decided to go down to blacks. I walked to the cliffs and I found myself at the stairs north of erc. I was in a "fuck everything" sort of mood so I decided to just go down facing the beach. On the first part of the stairs, the dirt was much higher and you could see what used to be some rope handrails barely sticking out of the dirt. I thought "wow, a lot must have changed over the summer." I went down quickly and ended up sliding down a bunch, using the old poles to slow myself down. When I got to the next part, instead of the normal stairs, they were much steeper. Nevertheless, I just walked straight down quite quickly with no regard to any danger. When I got down there, there was a surprising number of people. That's when I realized it was 7am and the sun was rising. I exchanged greetings with an older man as well as a kid. I took my shoes and socks off and rinsed my feet in the ocean. I started walking towards the muir exit, planning to walk back up there. I zoned out and the next thing I remember I'm about ready to go back up. I set down my shoes so I can put them back on. As I'm putting my socks on, the a wave snatches up my shoe and draws it into the waves. I see another shoe in there too and someone gives advice not to go into the ocean because of the red tide. At this point, I'm thinking "oh shit, I was in there earlier, oh shit, I need my shoe." I watch it go back and forth for a while, trying to grab it, but eventually both shoes vanish. I'm noticeably distressed so an old man there says not to worry and that someone else lost their shoe too. I'm still distressed. As I stand there thinking of a plan of action, I decide that I really don't want to spend money on more shoes that have a limited life. I consider just going into girl mode sooner and skipping out on buying male tennis shoes.
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Why the fuck [Aug. 6th, 2011|04:44 am]
freyas_spirit
do I feel sad.

I need a hug.
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Lisa [Jul. 8th, 2011|08:23 am]
freyas_spirit
Last night, I dreamt I was meeting lisa in front of her lab to hang out and go for dinner. I waited a long time, looking for her over and over and eventually called her and she said she'd be there soon. I waited a long time again then she finally came. She tok care of some stuff in the lab then when she was done, came to me and told me that she didn't want to talk to me any more. I was in shock and then we walked out of the lab area, through a mall area, and she left me at the door. We didn't say a word the entire time. Then when I got to my car, I had a $11 parking ticket for failing to pay a $10 parking fee.


I guess every once in a while, I entertain the idea of talking to her again. Then I remember that unless I put a ton of effort into the friendship and avoid a whole host of subjects she gets touchy about and always back down when she gets the slightest bit upset, she won't talk to me. Oh well, I'll just treat her as any other friend where if they don't put any effort into being friends, I won't bother being friends with them.
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you know [Jun. 28th, 2011|08:41 am]
freyas_spirit
it's been coming for way longer than I thought.

I just remembered that I called my myspace account "goddess batman" right after I turned 15.
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Pride [Jun. 26th, 2011|08:31 pm]
freyas_spirit
Today was incredible. I found out about the sf pride parade on friday and spent a decent amount of time figuring out how to get there today. Getting there made me a bit nervous because I didn't really know anywhere and had to fight crowds on the caltrain. I got to the google start and there were just way more people than I'd imagined. They gave us balloons to hold while we marched which was awesome. At this point, I was still standing around looking for people I knew and wasn't finding anyone. Then a couple of interns I met at orientation found me and we stood around for a long time and talked. We got to watch pieces of the parade, then a truck with a cable car skin on it appeared with a google banner. That was our float ^_^

We watched some of the parade then *finally* got to enter it. We marched in front of the float and after a while, we started talking. Miklos and Dan talked about being gay and this was when I found out they were both gay. They asked me if I was gay too or just supporting and I told them I was trans. Miklos was genuinely curious and I answered a few questions of his such as whether I'd be into girls or guys after the transition and when did I realize I was trans. Then we realized we were 1/4 mile ahead of the float so we decided to stay back and wait for it so we could march with it. Right after it caught us, they realized they were way behind and the car started driving fast and we ran beside it to catch up. All the while music was blasting and people were cheering us on from the crowd. It truly was magical.

After the parade, we went to get burgers. I was fairly dehydrated at this point, so I had to drink a lot of water slowly and didn't feel so great. Didn't manage to finish my fries, but I felt better after a couple glasses of water at lunch. At lunch, we met up with Eric, Dan's ride, and two indian girls. After lunch, Eric wanted to meet up with a friend and Dan's ride didn't want to go to the festival so me, dan, miklos, and the two indian girls (didn't get their names) headed off to the festival. The festival was really a disappointment. It was more crowded than disneyland and all there was was food and drink and some stages for music. If I'd been feeling better, I'd have probably dived into the crowd, but as it was, we just wandered for a couple hours then decided we wanted to leave the crowd.

We met up with Eric again outside the festival and then talked about plans. At this point, it was 3:45 and we were all tired since we'd gotten up at 6am. We thought about what we could do for an hour in sf, but in the end, they wanted to go to starbucks, then we just walked to the caltrain and went home.

Along the walk to the caltrain, orientations came up again and I found out one of the girls was a lesbian. I asked if her parents knew, and she said yes. I asked if they were ok with it and she said "no, they disowned me"

I told her about me being trans and how I was too much of a coward to wear a skirt there and she said I should have. Then I explained how I just got it and wanted to take slow steps and always to feel like I have a way out in case I panic. She then asked me when I realized I was trans. The last thing she said was that she knew some people who were trans and suggested I go to india for surgeries like facial hair removal. It was a reminder that I still have to think about electrolysis and my voice in addition to just hormones.

And as for the narrative of how I realized I was trans: In highschool, I was always jealous that girls got to wear bright colors and thought men's fashion was boring. So looking back, since I started to find myself (around my 15th birthday), me being trans was always semi obvious, as amy pointed out to me. Then in college, I visited the idea multiple times, probably once freshman year, then once sophomore year spring, liking it more and more every time I saw it. Spring sophomore year, I started to seriously consider it and this is when I told kevin. The summer after, I finally accepted myself as an introvert, said "fuck social rules," and decided I was probably trans. In retrospect, I don't consider me realizing I was trans to be a big discovery, the big revelation was that I was an introvert and that was ok.



Overall, today was incredible and I know more people who are gay and who know I'm trans and are ok with it. I'm definitely going to this again next year ^_^
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Sungod! [May. 14th, 2011|01:21 am]
freyas_spirit
Today was sungod. I couldn't find anyone to go with me for a while, then I finally got harrison to come with me. He went home to get drunk and was supposed to come back at 4 to go. He comes back at 3 moderately drunk and with a water bottle (500mL) full of vodka. I take a sip, then he keeps trying to get me to drink more. I refused for a while, then took another small sip. Then he insisted we wait for another friend, Rhojar. She took a long time to get to campus and when she did, Harrison kept insisting we finish his vodka before we go to sungod. It tasted like shit so me and Rohjar didn't want to drink too much. We ended up drinking it in the graffiti hall and in the end it was gone. I'd estimate I drank 5 shots worth over the hour. I guess it's also worth mentioning that I got harrison to ride a bike drunk. He didn't fall. Another thing I think is that Rhojar only came to see harrison drunk so she could ask him about why he broke up with Jarita.

When we were walking to sungod, I could feel that I was drunk and when we ran into some math friends, and I was doing a bad job of talking in general. At this point, I needed to focus to walk in a straight line. I put all my energy into that, hoping that nothing would happen as we walked through the entrance. In line, I was in a different line, but decided to move to harrison's line so I didn't lose him. When I show up in front of him, I got a nice "holy shit man, I thought you were in a different line" "I was". If my memory is correct, the lady there asked me what was in my pockets (essentially a phone and wallet). I pulled out my phone and said, "just a phone" and she let me through.

When we got in, we wandered for a bit, but then decided it was best to sit down for a bit. Harrison kept calling jarita trying to find her to meet up with her and her friends, but she either wasn't answering or we couldn't hear. I was too drunk to actually check if she was actually on the phone with him or if he was just talking to a phone with noone talking to him. Mike Poisner I think was playing and I remember staring at the screen for a bit and not getting much out of anything. After that, harrison saw a math friend again and ran after him and I followed. Rhojar decided to ditch us here so it was just me and harrison. He asked me to take him to the bathroom and on the way he threw up a little. After that, he said he was good, but I still needed to piss and the lines were too long so I dragged him to the far bathroom. We ran into Katie there and they did the whole drunk friend hug thing.

Harrison wanted to sit down for a bit so I sat with him on the edge of the festival for a while and after a bit, I started wanting to drag him to the dance area. He wouldn't and kept saying I should go, so I just went ahead and went. I was buzzed enough at that point that I could just step into the crowd alone and lose myself. I did keep popping out of there to check on him every 15 mins or so. He was always fine and just asked for water so apart from that, he was good.

The dj's were much harder than the last 2 years which was awesome, but after a while I wanted some melody to go with the beats. kill the noise was pretty good and la riots was ok. Halfway through that, I talked to harrison and he was good enough to sit so I decided I could tell him to call if he needed anything and would be good. This time, I went into the crowd and stayed. I ended up getting to the very front and center to the point where I could touch the fence in the front by the end of MSTRKRFT which was awesome. Probably the best part of sungod this year right there. After that set ended, I gave dj philly a couple minutes to put on a good song because I wasn't expecting much. When none came, a combination of me being dehydrated, expecting no good songs, and having a guy trying to grind on me made me leave the crowd.

Then right as I got out... ONE. fucking one. fucking beautiful song I'd been waiting for and it happens right *after* I leave the crowd. Realized he'd be better than I expected after that and rejoined the crowd on the edge for a while. Decided to take a break for a bit to watch a circus act that was happening. After that, I went back into the crowd and stayed there till sungod ended. It was fucking amazing even with spending most of the time alone.

FUCK YES.


I guess it's worth mentioning that I went to listen to a bit of crystal castles between dance area times. Listened for about 10 mins, decided they sucked and that was the only band I attempted to listen to today.
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metroid [Mar. 31st, 2011|09:40 am]
freyas_spirit
dreamt about metroid prime which is interesting because I never played it. I did dream about the one part I saw someone speedrunning so it does make sense.

Yesterday, I had an awesome dream, but by the time I thought about writing it down, I'd forgotten about it. Oh well.
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